Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
