someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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