I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
