It was confusing and full of hummus
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
