Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
