Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
