I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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