I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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