She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
