Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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