kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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