Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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