A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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