We won't sleep together?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
