WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
