she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
