Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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