My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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