I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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