she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
