His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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