OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.