turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
