My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
