onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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