True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
