I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I am one with the molecules
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
