Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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