The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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