did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
