My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Blow job season was short but glorious.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
