Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Please don't give away my fajitas
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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