hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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