The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
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I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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