trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
