He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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