I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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