He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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