there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
