My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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