had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
