guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
