Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
