May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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