listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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