You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
