i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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