Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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