I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
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