is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
