My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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