can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
