I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
