My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
