First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
