walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
