Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
