I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
