Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
